angeljinna

2010-12-31T12:38:00.007Z

I was signed up by a friend on facebook to join a new sobriety group. Great, no problems there I thought. It was only after some weeks of seeing posts that I realised that it was yet another AA sub-group with the tenet that ''the only way to get sober and stay sober is through the AA method''.

Anyone that knows me or read the blogs will realise that I don't hold with that view at all.

Why is it that you can only stay sober if you attend AA meetings, have AA friends and sub-groups and you can't ''at all costs'' join a sub-group unless you subscribe to their views.

I have promptly left the latest sub-group.

I have nothing against AA and actively push people towards it for the physical support it can give ie. real-life contact with other alcoholics, but for goodness sake stop telling people they can only remain sober if they follow the 12 steps.... it's now I see another reason why maybe I didn't go to AA, and it's a shame because they are alienating a great deal of people they should be helping .....

Poor Bill, I am sure he didn't want it to be this way ....

The dentist

2010-03-04T20:20:00.003Z

What do you do when every little upset makes you want to drink? Luckily for me I don't but if you do what are your strategies .... try and share strategies or support others if you can. Before I stopped drinking I was scared to admit I had a problem, maybe the social services would come round, or my doctor would think less of me and that the whole world would scorn me ...

There was a time I went to the dentist, and what reminded me of this was I just went to the dentist with a gum infection, anyway I went to the dentist and she asked me to take antibiotics for 7 days. But I could not drink alcohol, at all. I was mortified, I knew as a nurse that the antibiotics wouldn't work if I drank, pointless taking them. So I had to tell her in front of the dental nurse that I couldn't take them as I had to drink. She looked at me and said could I stop for 3 days ... I was so embarrassed and admitted that I couldn't .....
I ended up with less effective medication because of alcohol !!

I feel great now, I am even bragging to the dentist that I am 3 years sober and much more healthy and nothing has changed since I stopped drinking (meaning I am still sober) and yes I can take the stronger antibiotics, WOW what a transformation. Just think with support you too could be treated with effective medication when needed, no fear of drunk driving, or losing your job either ...

Just approach a recovering alcoholic and ask them where they got support and you never just know you could find new friends too ...

2010-02-25T18:40:00.005Z

Sobriety rocks , or so I'm told

why does this sober business make me feel old

I'm not moving, standing still

waiting for my life to begin.

I often wonder how it would be

drinking again, being me

I taste it often on my tongue

that drink of mine, dry and strong.

I can help you feel again,

live your life as you had once done

just one sip and you'll be fine

pick the bottle and drink the wine.

Angel 2010

To AA or not AA? That is the question ......

2010-02-21T20:49:00.006Z

You all know this blog is my own opinion, although I love comments - thanks Rufusndp !! - but just wondering if AA is the way to go ... I have recently met a lot of people online who feel that it's a really good support and life-style scheme in a group setting, to stop drinking alcohol. I can't comment too much, never having been to a meeting before so I would be interested in your opinion, instead of it always being me chattering on.

I always felt anxious of attending AA or any group support system for fear of meeting clients there or even people who knew me. Now latterly, I know you will all say but they are there for the same reason you are !! But my alcohol-fugged brain couldn't comprehend that.
Primarily, I didn't want to attend AA meetings because as a nurse and midwife I was afraid that clients would see me and wonder how I could be a ''good'' carer if I was drinking ... I sometimes wondered that myself, so nothing new there then.

So what about going-it alone, does it stand a good chance of long term success? I think it's the same as any other method it depends on the determination and ''craving'' - for want of a better word - to succeed in being sober.
Online support can be vital to those of us who are shy of admitting in a group setting what we are whilst still being able to admit anonymously we have a problem.

Yet I now find it very easy 3 years down the (sober) line to tell people I am an ''alkie'' and so what !!!?
Let them look at me sideways and they will get ''what for''.... but why was it when I was drinking that I could never admit to myself let alone others that I was an alcoholic.
Guess what - I was just a heavy drinker - who couldn't go a day without getting drunk.... hmm ....

What is it about the dreaded alcohol that makes us not admit that we are drinking it too much. In fact the more you imbibe the more you deny you have a problem. True ?
I am suspecting it is the same with any addiction ? Do we akso have susceptibility to other addictions .... I can only answer for myself in laymans or should that be laywomans terms ... I think we do.
I never touched drugs as I smoked and drank ... I knew I would be hooked in no time if I touched drugs and never dared gamble either for exactly the same reasons ... so that's me.
What about you ?

Women ....

2009-12-28T14:56:00.018Z

One subject I never really thought about writing about in particular was the fact that women drink and are drinking more than ever. I can't use an excuse myself with regards to today, I drank before the craze for young women getting drunk in the streets became so popular. I suppose that means I am not sexist !

I just talk about the benefits and downfalls of drinking and stopping/reducing drinking for all of us, no matter who, what, why or where ....

I do know that mental ill health isn't helped by excess alcohol consumption. It's used to extinguish those deep down fears and nightmares that many people with mental ill health may have. Not only that but to moderate behaviour, and that just ends up increasing another ill health behaviour in return.

Women often feel powerless and vulnerable in society in general once they leave the full time workforce to have children, it can lead to alcohol abuse as a prop to coping with family life, depression, agrophobia, anxiety and possible domestic violence.

The opposite can be true for high-flying women attempting to break the glass ceiling, although mental health issues here are more likely to be stress and begins with the odd glass of alcohol to socialise or ''wind-down''.

It's very difficult in that situation to even recognise that you have an alcohol problem sitting alongside the mental ill health. Why I am saying about mental ill health under the subject women and alcohol is that more women self-diagnose and self-treat these problems with alcohol and pain killers than we are led to believe.

Firstly, the stigma and worries about family disruption and break-up if you admit to these problems, then secondly it's sometimes easier to retreat into the ''nice'' feelings you get when self-treating. The only real downfall is that your family is imploding from within and you are self-destructing. The final event might be set on a long timer but it will happen eventually if you keep drinking.

It's such a shame that resources aren't in place to support women before they hit the ground ..... and everything around them disintegrates ...

References: http://alcoholism.about.com/od/women

http://www.mind.org.uk/help/people_groups_and_communities/women_and_mental_health#substance
www.womensaid.org.uk/domestic-violence-survivors-handbook.asp?section000100010008000100360002

2009-12-14T17:50:00.011Z

I just went to drinkaware.co.uk for the first time, I never seem to be online when the adverts come on, then forget to go check it out. In the UK at the end of the alcohol adverts a few words come on the screen about drinking sensibly and visiting drinkaware. I must admit the adverts don't really turn me on to alcohol, they appear to be aimed at both sexes-amazingly. For women they say drink this and look wonderfully attractive to the other sex, and for men to drink and be macho and .... yes, you guessed it, attractive to the other sex.Now for me someone having a few drinks doesn't bother me. I am happily middle of the road, neither a fanatical anti-drinker nor a person who still pushes drinks on you, but these adverts are, as adverts are wont to be, very misleading. A woman who has a few too many drinks is neither attractive nor sexy, and is going to end up a liability to herself in terms of her own safety.

As with a man who drinks too much, he may end up feeling macho but is usually, in reality, a drunken yob.

I suppose what I am trying to say is, if the alcohol ads want to show they really are concerned with the health and well-being of people buying their product then they should show the real side of drinking too much and knowing your limits, they should end their ad with a little clip of drunken activity... I don't think we will be seeing that after an advert for a very long time though !!

So back to drinkaware.co.uk, I was saying that I never remember to go and check out this site. But for a government site I am pleasantly surprised there are interactive sections regarding units of alcohol consumed and interesting facts about drinking and lifestyle. The survey surprised me, Londoners drink far more units per head than anywhere else in the country. Is that because of the multi-cultural aspects or just the rigours of city living making us drink more?

Or as usual any excuse to have a drink ....

Reference: http://www.drinkaware.co.uk

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1211944/Doctors-urge-total-ban-alcohol-advertising.html

Miss Marple or Magnum PI .....

2009-12-05T11:50:00.012Z

Can you believe of all the things to watch and realise something from it or learn something from it,
was ''They do it with mirrors ..... Miss Marple''
by Agatha Christie ...
don't misunderstand, I love Agatha Christie stories,
being a bit of a crime story enthusiast I love detective stories.

Maybe I am secretly yearning to be the female version of Magnum PI - without the ''tache''. So, what did I learn you may ask.

Well maybe something I should have learned 20+ years ago you may say ..... It was that self - control is my biggest ally.
I touched on it in my ''slipping post'' but I just realised that really it's only self -control that can save you from your own demons or as my friend says that monkey on your back. Call it conscience even, but for me it is 100% self-control, or rather the previous lack of it....

I have to have it to stop from reaching that first drink. If I am strong then I don't pick it up as after the first one my self-control gets weaker and weaker with each subsequent drink.....
And judging by all the concern over alcohol consumption these days I am not the only one it happens to.

So how is your self-control, is it alcohol, gambling, eating, smoking even swearing ..... what's your weak point and how can you strengthen your resolve. Now I can talk about lack of self-control but what can you do to improve it. Think about the risks first I suppose, risk to life and limb especially if you can't resist driving fast cars or bare knuckle fighting ... ahem, hopefully not.

Family and friends may support you but only if you talk to them, let them know what is happening and how difficult it is to reign in your self-control over certain things. Ask your work colleagues to hold you back if you feel like bopping your boss on the nose every time he walks in the office !! or it won't only be your self - control that is in trouble.
It's all a matter of recognising when you lose your self-control and strategising to avoid those times.... easier said than done I know, but get a good back up system in place and you are half way there. The rest is up to you .....

And luck, good luck .... and plenty of it.

References: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miss_Marple
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Magnum,_P.I. http://www.agathachristie.com/story-explorer/stories/they-do-it-with-mirrors-1/

Changing his life ...

2009-11-17T15:25:00.005Z

This article was written in 2004, but Paul sums up briefly his own experience:

Paul Moss recently left London for Stroud, putting years of alcohol abuse behind him in the process. Here he describes how the move has helped him change his life.

Here in Stroud I find myself in a minority, which has nothing to do with my fanatical support of Arsenal or my love of yiddish folk music. No, I am one of the few people who does not drink alcohol, not even on the most special of occasions. I am one of those grateful recovering alcoholics.It has always struck me as odd that now that I no longer indulge I am, in the eyes of many, still an alcoholic. There are a couple of ways to look at this apparent paradox. I tend to look at alcoholism as a physical, spiritual and emotional allergy to the stuff. It was after more than twenty years of relentless and painful self-abuse, that finally here in Stroud I have found a bit of peace in my life.

Coming round
It's all very difficult to explain. It's a bit like I had a drink somewhere in my teens and then came round some two decades later in a strange rural town wondering if it had all been a terrible nightmare and "could I get on with my A levels now please!".I grew up in London and that was where I finished my drinking. About a year ago It was suggested to me that I take myself away for a few months to a place where I had no connections, basically somewhere I could make a fresh start without the distraction or temptation of old haunts. The landscape has changed. My life here in Gloucestershire is simple for now. It is an amazingly beautiful county in which to come round. When the senses have shut down for so long, walking along the canal at dawn or hurtling across Minchinhampton Common on my bike works wonders on the will to live.

Reference:http://www.bbc.co.uk/gloucestershire/focus/2004/11/paul.shtml

Oh dear

2009-11-07T20:03:00.009Z

Where does the time go to ... don't worry it's a rhetorical question since I realise you probably can't be bothered to answer .. but don't worry I don't mind.

I wrote out out a whole post in my head last night and then promptly fell asleep and it was such a good one too.

I have been so busy this last month since my last post, but as I posted on another forum it doesn't mean I haven't been thinking of alcohol ... it just means I have been busy.

Well, the discussion was are there triggers that make us want to drink or feel like drinking. I think most days I get aggravated by idiots on the road I want a drink, or someone pushes in the queue in front of me - hmph .... pass me a double brandy (and that was NEVER my drink) ....

It's difficult to quantify what a trigger would be though in reality, as anything could remind a person, from a birthday party (happy, happy times) to a bereavement (sad, sad times) so who knows what would be the trigger for someone else. I have been making a note of some of mine, but to admit they are numerous makes me feel a bit of a failure really. Who knew ?

I suppose at certain times of feeling that way in general, a whole load of small incidences could make me want a drink and then do I lump them all together as one time or re-count them as separate times .... I don't know, I will just keep a note and look back when required ...

So I am hoping that this post makes you think of your triggers, times that make you feel you want to drink, and even if you are not addicted you may recognise those times and say to yourself you won't sup alcohol just because something bad happened and requires condolences of your head buried in a bottle or a happy event ''demands'' a celebratory drink ....

Image: http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/ksc/lowres/kscn371l.jpg

http://weblogs.baltimoresun.com/entertainment/dining/reviews/blog/hangover.bmp

Shaky ... is it spelt correctly ... !

2009-10-03T16:31:00.021+01:00

Today has been the ultimate culmination of a good few weeks of practically non-stop hell I have been going through. I turn left it's wrong, I turn right I have trod on someone's foot - now no-one would want me treading on their foot that's for sure. But I am considering it's all self -pity and an excuse to ''slip''. I could down a large drink in one and not feel any of it 'touch the sides' as it were ...

I think I mentioned before how I hate that word in regards to drinking alcohol after a period of abstention. I ''slipped'' meaning I went on a bender. Don't get me wrong, I have an addiction too. But I wouldn't say that 'an intention to drink alcohol today' is a slip or an excuse.

I said I am shaky and thank goodness when I looked it up online, that firstly the spelling is correct and secondly the meaning is EXACTLY how I feel (especially number 4 !!):

''Main Entry: shaky
Pronunciation: \ˈshā-kē\
Function: adjective
Inflected Form(s): shak·i·er; shak·i·est
1 : characterized by shakes

2 a : lacking stability :precarious b : lacking in firmness (as of beliefs or principles) c : lacking in authority or reliability : questionable

3 a : somewhat unsound in health b : characterized by shaking

4 : likely to give way or break down''
Reference:http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/shaky

I am sitting here, it's 4.30pm and rather than go and buy alcohol I am typing this, watching a film on tv and generally telling myself I am not going to drink today/tonght. If it means I don't leave the house today - at all, then so be it (to buy alcohol).

Therefore, to me it's not a 'slip' to drink alcohol it would be giving in to my cravings, my desire to drink. I am stronger than that ....... for now.
Images from: http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1425/726871137_11c9087efb_o.jpg
http://fc06.deviantart.com/fs48/f/2009/213/3/d/shaky_shaky_boom_boom_by_Karumen_Chan.png

2009-07-14T14:53:00.014+01:00

There are a couple of subjects I wanted to moan about ... so what's new. But I will just go with the one for now ... you are reprieved, for now !
I was travelling home again after an appointment yesterday and well my normal channel never works properly on the radio once I am out of the signal area ... I ended up with my good old stand-by of Radio 4.
I mentioned this before on a previous post about reflection .... the presenters were discussing about how hard it was to buy scissors and knives now that the new law was being enforced to the letter by ''jobsworths''. So much so that one of the women said her child was refused childrens scissors even though she was there next to the child to pay for them ... WOW ...

Now something similar happened to me and I went mad ... I asked my 14 year old child to carry a 6 pack of bottled beer for me as my shopping basket was full and very heavy ... bearing in mind this is non-alcoholic beer and I was standing right next to her ... the cashier said she shouldn't even be carrying the beer !! I was insensed ... was I right or wrong ?

In this day and age of political correctness the world has gone mad ... I can see from my own point of view, oh so mad was I on this issue, until I heard a text they read out, from a lady who works as a cashier ... she stated that these days they are so stressed over these rules and regs that they even ask pensioners how old they are for fear of inadvertently selling the goods to underage people ..... well, that raised a smile at least ....

My point is that why do we have so many kids on the streets drinking alcohol that most purchased for themselves ? It appears scissors and knives run a high risk of teenagers using them to kill or wound other people ... but what about alcohol. It increases risky behaviour and loss of control facilitating the use of dangerous implements and increasing the childs confidence to perform such dangerous acts ... giving them a false sense of immortality.

It appears, as usual, one rule over imposed on one side and slackly observed on the other ....

Image from: http://locallygrownnorthfield.org/post/2281/
http://mayfieldchina1.blogspot.com/2008_02_01_archive.html

2009-07-07T20:40:00.005+01:00

Addiction

What have I become
in this false fantasy?
Thriving on something sweet,
submerging into another world.
Without it I tumble
transforming into nothing.
I'm locked in a stalemate
not capable to stir.
Look closely through my eyes,
as deep as the end of sight.
See! My ailment and do
your very best to repair.
Save me from this ogre
I have become, before
I sit in a dark painful void...

lost inside my addiction

by Claire Nixon

Frequency ...

2009-06-30T19:10:00.005+01:00

How often to post is a question I have thought about ... a friend of mine **Neil !!** hasn't been posting as much as he should and it got me to thinking that a drinking alcoholic wouldn't necessarily post as much .... or would they ?

Then that lead me to question that they may actually post more but would it be a load of old rubbish or inane ramblings ...I know I do that sober, can you imagine what I would be like ''drunk writing'' ... better than ''drunk driving'' but sometimes no less painful in a different way.

I have a lot to be grateful for being sober, it has opened a new lease of life with regards to my writing ... I am able to write my blogs, keep the website open and write pieces for others and stories for submission to websites and mags.

Hey, it's not easy and I have been busy with life in general too ... things happen that I can deal with and ''do'' because of my sobriety ... it's a much different life than hangovers and ''can't do'' attitude ...

Image from: http://www.businesspundit.com/.../05/resume-writing.jpg

Where am I ?

2009-06-16T21:40:00.009+01:00

No, it's not the drunken ramblings of an alcoholic ... not been like that for over 2 years now ... although I think my memory must have been damaged, yet some would say it's just my age ...... urgghhh.

I have been blogging but just not on here, although anyone who want's me can just email anyway. I have been so busy and I could only do that sober. I don't always bang on about drinking and certainly not in person, as it were. Only on here. Well, anyone that reads this blog knows what they are in for, so I don't mind waffling about the guilty pleasures ..erm ... I mean sins of over-indulging on the vino or beer.

I know how hard it is to get over the first few weeks and we all react differently to withdrawals and cravings. I have two friends at different levels (again) of stopping drinking ... and it doesn't appear to be any different if you are male or female. Of course age, hormones, lifestyle and other conditions have to be factored in to the situation. But the actual craving and caving seems to be very, very similar.

The general gist is crave the drink, fight the feeling, crave some more,
fight it, then the crave gets so strong you just say give me the drink, no matter the cost.

The cost usually being higher than the financial price. I have supported friends with these cravings but in the end it is up to the person, and yet I feel so helpless when a friend asks for help and I feel I am ''doing a good job'' talking them out of it, only to find out that a few days later they had a drink ...

Save Me

2009-06-10T17:42:00.004+01:00

Save me from the abyss.
I cried out silently.
No one heard.
I didn't want them to.
I wanted the dark to envelop me.
To sink deeper.
Not feeling pain.
Not knowing life waited for me.

It was now MY abyss,
and it was my comfort.
I was entrenched in misery.
I tried and tried.
Not to climb.
But someone held my wrist and pulled.

And now I'm dried.
Now I'm alive.

Angeljinna 2009

Forums anyone ?

2009-06-03T12:11:00.013+01:00

I didn't have a clue what to talk about today, until I remembered something that happened on an online forum I used - for alcohol support - some time ago, why I remembered this was an email I received from Psy blogger, who I am subscribed to, who is looking for people to join a survey about - guess what - online forums.

I am quite outspoken and as you can imagine leaping before you look, or in my case 'NOT thinking about the consequences before I write' can bring a whole heap of problems on my head. And has frequently done so.

Well, to get back to what I am going on about, there is always a clique on any site you go to, when I first joined the site only had a few members and those original members were in their own clique and it was obvious. To be accepted you had to first break into this clique or cling on to other new members who were desperate not to sink too...

Now two years down the road that clique have slowly moved on and another one has formed... there is no problem with cliques or ''a group of friends'' as they call themselves, UNTIL, one of the clique has a forum member disagreeing with them on a 'thread'.

Whoa, you will soon see the other members of the site form two or three camps. The clique members jump on that disagreeing member until they are squashed flat and either leave with their tail between their legs or stand their position and ignore the clique. This is very difficult if you are a member of a forum for support with any kind of personal problem - be it health, psychological or for a family member etc.
It's very unfortunate that disagreeable comments can't just be ignored in the first place. I think it reflects badly on both the website and the clique.

I only assume that the current clique will soon start breaking up as the other major one did as the members feel strong enough to cope without using the forum as often.

The point I'm making ... ok, that forums have their place, obviously I am starting off my own forum !! But they have to be monitored and worked on to maintain clarity, focus and direction. They have to remain safe for all members not just a few....
One thing I had to laugh at - or I might do something foolish - was on an alcohol support forum,where a woman was asking advice about her childs health, firstly, don't get me wrong as a nurse with alcohol problems I am not disrespecting others. But surely the best place to ask for child health information would be your practice nurse, Health Visitor or pharmacist, not on a forum for alcoholics ... ''just my opinion'' or ''in my honest opinion'' as they all say to lessen the blow of their strong opinions on forums followed by ''LOL'' (laugh out loud) to ensure the wrath of the clique is not rendered upon their own heads ...

For me, I no longer care about the wrath of cliques and the very fact that I post and state that I find them funny infuriates the cliques more. So guess what I do (yep, I am an adult would you believe it ?) ... I post more ... some posts to the chagrin of my own conscience but what the heck ... I am not slandering or libelling or cursing anyone ....

But the point I am making here is the actual information given out on forums should be taken as this; the information written by other members may not be the correct advice for yourself, your relative or friend etc ...

Therefore forums have their place, but within the context of ''for advice only'', not necessarily to follow the posting word for word...

Image:http://www.cartoonstock.com/directory/o/online.asp

http://www.ebookee.com/Managing-Online-Forums-Everything-You-Need-to-Know-to-Create-and-Run-Successful-Community-Discussion-Boards_183771.html

Alcoholic - who me ?

2009-05-29T11:32:00.012+01:00

I think I will start with a few definitions, it will help me clarify my thoughts, if nothing else ....

AskOxford.com says :
''alcoholic
• adjective relating to the consumption of alcohol.
• noun a person suffering from alcoholism.''

and

From MedlinePlus Medical Dictionary :

' alcoholic : one affected with alcoholism

Main Entry: alcoholism

noun : continued excessive or compulsive use of alcoholic drinks

2 a : poisoning by alcohol

b : a chronic progressive potentially fatal psychological and nutritional disorder associated with excessive and usually compulsive drinking of ethanol and characterized by frequent intoxication leading to dependence on or addiction to the substance, impairment of the ability to work and socialize, destructive behaviors (as drunken driving), tissue damage (as cirrhosis of the liver), and severe withdrawal symptoms upon detoxification''

I know some people on a couple of forums I use who don't like the term ''alcoholic'', preferring to use the terms 'alcohol dependent' or 'addicted to alcohol' or I think are in complete denial if you ask me ... which maybe you aren't ...

I really don't 'get it', what's the difference in a name? Is it because the term 'alcoholic' conjures up images they don't want to associate with themselves. Just because you are not tramping the streets with dirty clothes and a long beard (and that's just the women!) it doesn't mean you are not an alcoholic.

I have heard that it's the term and the connotation of its meaning that people can't stand, but isn't being an addict or dependent on a substance just as bad?

You are still 'that' person addicted to alcohol

in the same situation ....

References: http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/alcoholic?view=uk

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/mplusdictionary.html

http://anonpress.org/eBay/ebayfe.jpg

Oh my ...

2009-05-17T23:18:00.004+01:00

I can't believe it's been 6 days since I last blogged ... well, on here anyway. I have been consumed with my African adventure or at least sorting out photo's and writing up my diary onto the blog.

I woke up the other day, as you hope to do and prepared myself for the day ahead ... and then I remembered I had got some money in my account ( a rare occurrence ..). Now this thought came into my mind before anything else ''I must go get my drink before I spend all the money on other stuff'' ... bearing in my mind I haven't touched a drop (gotten drunk anyhow) for just a little over two years - neither have I wanted to for the last 20 out of those 24 months.

So I may ask myself or you or indeed anyone out there in the universe - WHY? Why then did that thought pop into my mind above all else ... after all this time ... feeling 'lucky' - No that's not quite the right word, feeling happy I suppose that at this stage in my sobriety I am able to push that crazy little scenario out of my mind (me shopping for alcohol ..) and go about my usual daily business without having a massive crave hit me and convince me to go and buy the stuff of nightmares ....

It's times like this for newly sober addicts to get support - like ''Who wants to be a millionaire'' it's time to 'phone a friend' or even got to an AA meeting ... anything to get that need support from caving in and buying a drink.

To laugh or not to laugh ... that is the question ...

2009-05-11T18:57:00.008+01:00

I was going to post something high falutin on my return. Having had a good break I came back enthused with the joys of an English summer, especially after ''suffering'' temperatures of 30-35 degrees centigrade.
An English summer would have been perfect -
rainy, cloudy and cold ...

just my little joke there ! Or possibly not.

Having been enthused to email other sufferers of this addiction, with the hopes of giving back support as I received support off others, I was surprised at some of the advice I have given out being thrown back in my face, and I think saying I am surprised is an understatement of how I felt in reality.

I suppose I was more hurt by the reaction of one person, maybe it's not their time to quit drinking. But then I would ask for respect and say have the honesty to tell me you don't want any more support, advice or codswallop off me ... I would respect that more than laughing in my face.

Now what was it that Jesus said ''Forgive them Father for they know not what they do''.
Now whether you are religious or not, I think you can see from any perspective and this is a very appropriate saying in this case; you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink or rather don't laugh in an alcoholics face, she may just well hit you round the head with a frying pan !!

Watch out for low flying frying pans ...

Images from: blocs.xtec.cat/gemmasalvia/2008/11/

http://farm1.static.flickr.com/41/82962766_4a5860d1a1_o.jpg

West Africa

2009-05-11T18:54:00.007+01:00

Now I would have posted but I was away in

West Africa.

Catch me on -

Angeljinnas African Adventure

Now the most ironic situation cropped up when I first reached my in-laws house. After all the greetings and welcomes. Both my brother and sister-in-law stood in front of me smiling from ear - to - ear. I was suspicious, maybe they had me on the cooking rota or maybe I was on water carrying duty that night, but no they wouldn't - not on the first night there ... I had several thoughts -some lucid and some not so lucid running through my jet-lagged brain.

You could have knocked me down with a feather when they both (non-drinkers) proclaimed they had stocked up the fridge with bottles of beer and a potent (locally brewed) spirit called Schnapps (not the European variety) just for me, the only drinker for miles around ... I didn't know whether to laugh, cry or smile. The whole range of emotions must have flocked across my face, even though to me I felt a frozen smile making my facial muscles ache ... what do I do ...
I opted for smiling. and kept smiling while I managed to whisper through gritted teeth, ''erm, I have stopped drinking for a while, thanks anyway, maybe someone else would like some ..''

Was that tactful enough or just plain ungrateful ...

2009-03-31T22:02:00.008+01:00

I wouldn't normally think of posting twice in a day ... why didn't I save it till tomorrow and look like I am working hard. Not my style. I post as I think or else the purity of what I want to say is lost, even if my purity is a load of rubbish to those reading it.

I was couch potato extraordinaire when I was drinking, my routine involved picking the kids, rushing to do any shopping I needed to do and get home asap. Why ? So I could crack open (not literally of course..) that bottle of booze and get drinking .... 4pm was my earliest time and if I really had to wait then I could last till 8 or 9pm, but that was far worse than starting early because having a problem with alcohol, I would then drink the same amount as I usually did, but in less hours ....

You do the maths ....

So what I actually wanted to say here
was about diet, not a strict weight loss diet
but about how alcohol makes you gain weight.
The empty calories ... argghhh ....
the empty, useless calories that could have been better employed on cream cakes .. er NO....

What I mean is that the alcohol is full of darned sugar, bad for the weight, the teeth (as I have found out - but that is another post) and the diabetic risk is high.

Now comes the scary bit ......

I lost 5 stone ( 5 x 14lbs) in 6 months when I stopped drinking ....

Yes, you read it right, how can that happen. Well, the weight just crept on, I went to bed fine and woke up gross ! HUH.

So there are massive, ha ! Pun intended, massive benefits of stopping drinking, not just health, wealth and sanity ...

Image used from : bigpicture.typepad.com/.../how_to_drink_al.html
assets.aarp.org/.../adam/html/2/17023.html

Advice overlooked is still good advice ... eventually...

2009-03-31T13:52:00.012+01:00

I didn't know this was good advice until weeks after I got it. Although when I got it I had already stopped drinking. No matter.

A good friend; Rufusndp said that no matter what you do it's never too late to give up your own personal addiction, as the continuation of such addictions leads to the downward spiral into your own personal hell. (see other post too) ... Thanks N for the advice.

He might not have said it exactly like that but his words struck home, maybe it's at this age we realise what we have / are still doing to our bodies, our lives, our families and friends. Is it true that with age comes wisdom? I wouldn't exactly say that but it appears it's our life experiences that kind of run up behind us and knock us on the head. A wake-up call, that maybe if we leave it much longer it will be too late.

A comment from someone, with the same addiction as me, reminded me about this advice with regards his perfect liver tests, after years of drinking it surprised him and shocked his doctor ... well there you go. There's hope for us all (actually I am lucky; mine are fine too ... in case you are wondering) and that kind of proves my point that it's never too late to stop (drinking, in my case).

Bodies, families, relationships, jobs can be repaired - even if with some medical, psychological or spiritul help but you have to wake-up yourself, no-one can do it for you. I am sure people get sick of hearing this, ( and as a long-ago teen) I did too but I suppose it's repeated so often because it's true ...

Image from: altered-states.net/barry/update200/index.htm

Ref: http://rufusndp.webs.com

Paradox or not ? That is THE question

2009-03-28T21:43:00.010Z

I need to review my situation ... well, for one I am a laid back person (that's what I claim anyway !) so I wanted to help people in this style, but then the other side of me says 'be professional' .... so can I be professional and laid back ? I think I am going of on the tangent of the meaning of paradox now but it drives me crazy when I know what I want to say but have to think of the correct terminology ...

No-one is forcing me to but that also drives me mad to not write correctly. I end up typing loads of pages of texts on my phone because I cannot bear to miss out the apostrophe inbetween letters or spell out a full word ... that's just 'gr8' isn't it ! No not on my blog it isn't.

So back to the question, for one I think it will go round and round like a dog trying to catch its tail. Rather like I did when I first realised I had a problem with alcohol, one day sober meant the next day I could drink, whoop - de - doo. Then the endless rounds of hangovers, sometimes so bad I couldn't lift my head from the pillow, followed by the usual, ''I have to give up, it's killing me'' sober day. Followed swiftly by the next drinking day ...

Every day a step nearer to death with no joy inbetween ... only misery and a hangover to keep me company.

It doesn't really matter what kind of addiction you have, they are all a downward spiral to hell. They all bring misery, pain and have a finality that only death will cure it. But that's not true, for me I prayed hard and fast, I made promises, I begged and cried. I was answered by Him, lucky for me you might say. I don't wish to preach religion to anyone that's not interested, but if He is your last shot then why not give Him a go, He doesn't let you down.

Apart from religion - organised or not, there are many ways of cutting out the addiction from treatment from medical or psychiatric doctors, medication, counselling and so on. I offer support to anyone who asks me. I can truly say ''I have been there and done that'' ..... and I never want to go there again.

Image from: www.elfwood.com/art/l/i/lianneo/paradox2.jpg.html
Ref: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paradox
Reference to: http://rufusndp.webs.com/

Chat, chat, chat

2009-03-25T19:42:00.007Z

I am holding an open chat session on Friday 25th March between 6 - 7 pm GMT on Face book.

I am open to discussing anything, well, within reason !!

It is open for anyone to ask for support, advice with or without alcohol problems ...

See my Facebook link in the sidebar below.

Image from: blog.nbc.com/ross_blog/synchronized_chat/

What we take for ganted ...

2009-03-23T17:20:00.007Z

Funnily enough this post is probably not what the title would suggest or maybe it is to you ... it links into the previous post of how we are responsible for our own happiness ...

Friends and family can't make a person happy, but they ease your life along the way (or maybe they make it hurt more ... who knows) but to have a friend that understands you, doesn't let you get away with bad behaviour but stands by you is to have 'treasure' indeed.

Do you have such a friend ?

If you have a person in your life like this don't let them go by being an 'ass' ... either towards them or in front of them ... and never part upset with each other, it doesn't bode well for your karma, I believe in ''what comes around goes around'' ... I don't want to hurt people and in return don't want to be hurt.

I know it's easy to take and not want to be hurt ... but remember what I just said ... you get back what you give out or in other words you reap what you sow ...

I hope whoever I have hurt forgives me and whoever has made me happy reads this and knows I appreciate every minute of their care ... past, present or future !

Image from : kk.org/ct2/new-media/

Reflection: an activity you only do when driving

2009-03-20T13:47:00.010Z

I was travelling back to London yesterday after a few refreshing days with relatives, on my own, that's why it was refreshing. Driving for long distances gives a person time to think, unless I decided to put mindless music on to while away the time.

It just so happened that as I was flicking through the stations on the car radio, I came across Dominic Arkwright and guests discussing bad taste and guilty pleasures.

You can find the programme here at Radio 4 : http://search.bbc.co.uk/search?q=off+the+page&Search=Search&uri=%2Fradio4%2F

If passengers in other cars saw me they would have called the police first and psychiatric help second, I was first laughing and then arguing with an imaginary passenger ! No, not really I was joining in the discussion with the guests on Radio 4... at least we all took turns with no arguing ... or rather I talked over them and no-one minded.

''Bad taste and guilty pleasures'', don't be fooled, the title of the programme doesn't mean a hot-bed of undesirable behaviour in suburbia, rather the fashion tastes we had in recent times that were so bad means that they are now good. Confused? I was.

It had me thinking about the dark purple walls in our bathroom that my parents hated and me and my sibling loved. It was hastily covered (this was 1970-something) with a lovely patterned wallpaper - probably more hideous in today's terms than the dark purple paint. And this brings me to the part where the speakers on the radio really upset me, apparently the freestanding bath on varnished floorboards with a little towel folded over the edge is now SO out of fashion that it is bad and has not yet come back into being 'good' ! And probably won't for many a good year to come. Why is it that by the time I save up enough money to buy what I want it's out of fashion, and then do I just go and buy it anyway ... must be my booze-sozzled mind playing tricks on me, I could have sworn that style of bathroom was still in fashion, but if I heard it on the BBC I must have heard correctly !!

Thought provoking and totally enjoyable I will be seeking out Dominic Arkwright and his guests again.

Finding out about myself ...

2009-03-20T13:25:00.006Z

I went to visit relatives and had a thoroughly enjoyable time. A certain event made me sit down and think ... something I rarely do ... and if you could call it an epiphany, then that is what it was ... I finally realised, yes, I know I am old, that I cannot look to others to make me or my life happy, I mean pure happiness. It is only me, either I am happy with what I am doing or I am not, only I can look in the mirror every morning and say I am happy or not, as the case may be.

I also, eventually you may say, realised that I am not responsible for other people's happiness, whether that person is dependent on me for other things, they can not blame me for their unhappiness. Their happiness can only be from within too.

I see strong minded people all around me, yet they too blame others for their own unhappiness. Maybe life isn't what we expect or the path differs from what we imagined as a child or youth, but eventually, what I am trying to say is we came into this world (physically) alone and we go out alone, when we stand in front of our maker or whatever you believe it is only us standing there explaining what and why we did what we did ...

So, I am opening up more (on advice from a close friend, who is drawing me out of my shell and is actually objective and understanding, listens to my point of view and then tells me where I am going wrong, I think the wrongs outweigh the rights ...) and I am actually exploring my own hidden depths and finding out (since sober) that I am not - and I would guess a lot of you out there too - as boring or withered emotionally as I thought. I have skills and emotions and for me personally,(albeit not a pre-requisite for my happiness) I have found out that I am liked and loved. It's a nice feeling.

Image used was from : http://www.crossgatesumcweb.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=29436&PID=368338

Religion and alcohol ... part 2

2009-03-12T22:29:00.007Z

I went to my eldest child's Holy Confirmation today, she proudly passed another milestone in her religious life... that's her choice as a teenager... and one I prefer than teenage pregnancy.

But that aside, I had to rush home and make my point, that being the fact that my youngest and middle child partook in Holy Communion, the taking of the bread and wine.
Now when they returned to sit next to me I could smell, quite strongly, the alcohol on their breaths.
Certainly I know they would not have had more than the smallest sip, but what if I had decided to partake, would that tiny sip make me want to indulge in more ... a good question, and a scary thought, back to the issue of ''one is not enough..'', but one I am not going to trial myself. Although if this has happened to anyone else I would love to hear from them.

So what should one do, share Holy Communion with the congregation and celebrate Jesus' life or sit back and smile and ensure I don't slip back down into my own private hell. I think I know what He would advise ... don't you ?

Image from:http://www.fbc-portland.org/images/communion_hands.jpg

Long Term Sobriety

2009-03-11T20:35:00.010Z

I wanted to talk about long term sobriety, me being a smarty pants and nearly 2 years sober...until I found out that most school of thought considers 'long term' as 10 years rather than 2 years ... ho hum.

I am still proud of my achievements, want others who have difficulty with addictions to give me a shout and I will offer my shell - like (ear) or a shoulder to lean on. The longer it gets the easier it gets but then the risk of slipping is higher, if I don't remain wary ... why ? Well, because I feel confident everyday and no longer think about drinking alcohol every minute of every day I could imagine that 'just one' wouldn't be 'one too many' ... when we all know in our heart of hearts it wouldn't be enough ... what's the old saying ''one is too many and a thousand is not enough''. Probably only those who have experienced addiction would understand what I am on about, let me explain, addicts don't usually have an 'off' switch.

So, I have mentioned 'long term' now what is sobriety? The dictionary (my own personal choice is http://www.askoxford.com/concise_oed/sober?view=uk) and this states:

''sober • adjective (soberer, soberest) 1. not affected by alcohol; not drunk.'' Sobriety (noun) is the state of 'being sober'. It seems then that any amount of alcohol that affects us immediately deems us as 'not sober'. I am so glad to be sober and sober long term, I no longer let alcohol affect me, this has turned my life around.
Blogging today, this very minute was unthinkable 2 years ago, by this time (GMT) I would have been ''affected'' by alcohol and most definitely not sober !

Long term sobriety : with some reference to: http://www.sylviacary.com/WomenSobriety.htm

Religion and alcohol

2009-03-10T21:54:00.005Z

I was going to post about long term sobriety and

goodness knows what else but I found myself pulled towards religion, spirituality call it whatever you will, there is something out there. For me it's God for you it may be anything...
So being lazy and finding that what I have already written on the website suits what I want to say here I have just copied and pasted a little of what I have written already ....

"In my own religion we are allowed to drink, in moderation, after all water was turned into wine...but we are not supposed to over-indulge in any activity...be it food and drink, or any other thing. This was always a problem to me...I wanted a drink, a lot of drink but my religion said only drink what you can safely say is a moderate amount. I then alternated between guilt and deceit. I felt guilty because I knew I was drinking too much, then I deceived myself that for me it was a 'normal' amount and I wasn't doing anything wrong ! Huh?

I found a relevant point on one website about Alcohol, Problems and Solutions and drinking under the age of 21, it's supposed to be linked to brain damage but the website asks then why do Roman Catholics and Jewish people drink in religious services but dont have brain damage ... hm good point !! But maybe the point we are missing here is that drinking to EXCESS under theage of 21 can lead to brain damage and not the small amounts partaken in religious ceremonies... ''

Well, I think we should assess the Priests, Rabbi's etc who partake weekly or more often in religious ceremonies, finishing off the wine that was not supped during communion, although let's face it, that's probably not much really ... not enough to cause brain damage at any rate.

Am I trying to navigate away from my own possible brain damage both from alcohol and religion, both self inflicted I might add...well, I wouldn't say so, mostly I am too honest and 'out there' in my opinions on everything.